Parental Advice Request
Parental Advice Please
I really don’t know what the proper response to certain toddler behavior is so maybe someone out there can set me straight. I read all the books (or at least a couple of them) and I am proud to say that Marcus is right on target, and maybe even a bit advanced, in his developmental milestones. His ability to understand what I have to say just amazes me every day. His language may still be limited but he is very creative and thoughtful on how to use the words he knows to get me to understand what it is that he wants. He is gaining more and more independence every day. He is a very nice boy and does the cutest things like brushing my hair out of my face when I have a stray strand. (This is really the cutest thing ever, particularly the way he is so gentle and careful with no prompting at all.) He has boundless energy that often makes him quite reckless. And most importantly to him, he has discovered that he can make decisions for himself and that decision can even be to defy his parents.
It is this last wonderfully on target milestone that I am having problems with. My biggest problem is that he is only beginning to discover this ability of his and we still have quite a long way to go. Although I understand his behavior, what my book reading on the subject has failed to do is to educate me on exactly how I am supposed to deal with it. I have heard somewhere that it is very important to utilize positive reinforcement. I am the positive reinforcement queen. With every activity that he does successfully, with every instant that he follows instructions, I am sure to tell him what a wonderful job he has done. He is excited about his success which is evident when he starts cheering for himself and my praise makes his face break into a huge grin. Despite my greatest efforts to have a positive household, he still likes to see just what will happen when he doesn’t follow instructions.
Let us look at just one situation from the past few days. After snack two evenings ago, Marcus proclaimed to me that he was all done. Like I do every night I stood and said, “Could you please hand me your plate.” I used my sweetest voice and even had a smile on my face. Marcus stared me down, picked up his plate, and threw it across the table.
This was not an instant where he just didn’t understand the words I was saying or what my outstretched hand meant. He knew exactly what I wanted and he knew that what he wanted to do was to prove that he didn’t have to listen.
The reaction that I got from the plate incident has now become the normal reaction when I ask him to hand me something – either throwing it away from me or grabbing tight and running away. I have tried a stern “No”. I have tried simply repeating over and over again, “Will you please hand me the [object]” in my nicest, sweetest, calmest voice for up to five minutes until he complies. Yesterday, after multiple incidents of nearly identical circumstances I even tried throwing a temper tantrum of my own. (The temper tantrum ended with me screaming, “You think you are the only one in this house that can throw a temper tantrum?? You got that wrong! Mommy has been throwing temper tantrums for more years that you can imagine and she is pretty darn good at it too!” I am sure my mother can attest to this if you have any doubts to the validity of my statement.) Although my temper tantrum did get him to resume putting his blocks away, it is definitely not the route I want to take again to get him to follow instructions.
I have heard that parents of toddlers have to have patience of steel and I really think I am quite the patient parent. I am a fabulous parent 99% of the time if I do say so myself. I have even perfected the ability needed to properly ignore one of Marcus’s many temper tantrums. (Marcus is getting great at dramatizing his temper tantrums. He has nearly perfected the throwing-one’s-whole-self onto the floor in a screaming fit tactic.) I have yet to clearly identify just why he throws a temper tantrum most of the time. Mostly these fits of his are related to me moving somehow. Like if I move from the floor to the couch or – God forbid – if I were to stand up for a second to adjust my pants that have decided to rotate on their own around my body and then sit down, that is a cause for a temper tantrum. All that I can handle.
I am just not sure how to handle him doing the opposite of what I would like him to do. Sure, it is just a plate that was not handed to me. But what happens in 14 years when he starts ignoring curfew or sneaking girls into his room? (Have you ever noticed how much toddlers and teenagers have in common? Reckless, self-centered, and defiant to their parents.) I need to set some boundaries and Marcus needs to start getting the idea that when he oversteps the boundaries there are consequences. I realize that no one is perfect and Marcus is still learning and going to make mistakes. He is going to ignore my requests for many years to come, but what is the proper reaction when he ignores every single request that I make?
I really don’t know what the proper response to certain toddler behavior is so maybe someone out there can set me straight. I read all the books (or at least a couple of them) and I am proud to say that Marcus is right on target, and maybe even a bit advanced, in his developmental milestones. His ability to understand what I have to say just amazes me every day. His language may still be limited but he is very creative and thoughtful on how to use the words he knows to get me to understand what it is that he wants. He is gaining more and more independence every day. He is a very nice boy and does the cutest things like brushing my hair out of my face when I have a stray strand. (This is really the cutest thing ever, particularly the way he is so gentle and careful with no prompting at all.) He has boundless energy that often makes him quite reckless. And most importantly to him, he has discovered that he can make decisions for himself and that decision can even be to defy his parents.
It is this last wonderfully on target milestone that I am having problems with. My biggest problem is that he is only beginning to discover this ability of his and we still have quite a long way to go. Although I understand his behavior, what my book reading on the subject has failed to do is to educate me on exactly how I am supposed to deal with it. I have heard somewhere that it is very important to utilize positive reinforcement. I am the positive reinforcement queen. With every activity that he does successfully, with every instant that he follows instructions, I am sure to tell him what a wonderful job he has done. He is excited about his success which is evident when he starts cheering for himself and my praise makes his face break into a huge grin. Despite my greatest efforts to have a positive household, he still likes to see just what will happen when he doesn’t follow instructions.
Let us look at just one situation from the past few days. After snack two evenings ago, Marcus proclaimed to me that he was all done. Like I do every night I stood and said, “Could you please hand me your plate.” I used my sweetest voice and even had a smile on my face. Marcus stared me down, picked up his plate, and threw it across the table.
This was not an instant where he just didn’t understand the words I was saying or what my outstretched hand meant. He knew exactly what I wanted and he knew that what he wanted to do was to prove that he didn’t have to listen.
The reaction that I got from the plate incident has now become the normal reaction when I ask him to hand me something – either throwing it away from me or grabbing tight and running away. I have tried a stern “No”. I have tried simply repeating over and over again, “Will you please hand me the [object]” in my nicest, sweetest, calmest voice for up to five minutes until he complies. Yesterday, after multiple incidents of nearly identical circumstances I even tried throwing a temper tantrum of my own. (The temper tantrum ended with me screaming, “You think you are the only one in this house that can throw a temper tantrum?? You got that wrong! Mommy has been throwing temper tantrums for more years that you can imagine and she is pretty darn good at it too!” I am sure my mother can attest to this if you have any doubts to the validity of my statement.) Although my temper tantrum did get him to resume putting his blocks away, it is definitely not the route I want to take again to get him to follow instructions.
I have heard that parents of toddlers have to have patience of steel and I really think I am quite the patient parent. I am a fabulous parent 99% of the time if I do say so myself. I have even perfected the ability needed to properly ignore one of Marcus’s many temper tantrums. (Marcus is getting great at dramatizing his temper tantrums. He has nearly perfected the throwing-one’s-whole-self onto the floor in a screaming fit tactic.) I have yet to clearly identify just why he throws a temper tantrum most of the time. Mostly these fits of his are related to me moving somehow. Like if I move from the floor to the couch or – God forbid – if I were to stand up for a second to adjust my pants that have decided to rotate on their own around my body and then sit down, that is a cause for a temper tantrum. All that I can handle.
I am just not sure how to handle him doing the opposite of what I would like him to do. Sure, it is just a plate that was not handed to me. But what happens in 14 years when he starts ignoring curfew or sneaking girls into his room? (Have you ever noticed how much toddlers and teenagers have in common? Reckless, self-centered, and defiant to their parents.) I need to set some boundaries and Marcus needs to start getting the idea that when he oversteps the boundaries there are consequences. I realize that no one is perfect and Marcus is still learning and going to make mistakes. He is going to ignore my requests for many years to come, but what is the proper reaction when he ignores every single request that I make?
posted by Annie and Greg @ 2:14 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
Your kid is just like my dog. I won't say which one. I am sure you already know.
;o)
Maybe someday you can compare my child to your dog. I can only hope she is good like Peyote.
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