Three Years

Three years ago today I stood in front of a stranger behind a counter at the US Embassy in Guatemala City and promised that Greg and I would parent Marcus forever. It had been such a long and bumpy road leading up to that point that we expected fireworks or trumpets sounding. Instead we got pushed back into a crowded room and wondered what were we supposed to do next. Were we just supposed to leave? Where was the woman that had driven us there? And of course there were the deeper questions. Two minutes ago we were holding a baby. Suddenly we were holding our son. Someone really needed to tell us what to do next.



We got in a car and went back to the hotel and all just stared at each other. We couldn't believe it was over. We couldn't believe it was all just starting. We made it through the day and then another one. We survived traveling home on the airplane and introducing Marcus to our family. Months worth of sleepless nights went by. At times, the clock stood still as I screamed in frustration wondering how someone so small could make me so angry. I woke up this morning and somehow realized that three years had gone by. During that time I figured out exactly what I was supposed to do next - really love my son.



I have loved Marcus since before he was born. I dreamed about him around the time that he was conceived and had no idea at that time why I was dreaming about an itty bitty baby with a head full of black hair. Even in that dream I loved him. Through all the paperwork I knew that my son was out there. The referral came and at last there was the photo of that boy I loved. I kept loving him and longing for him for 7 months until that stranger at the embassy said that we were a family at last.



Three years later, I love Marcus still, but not at all like I loved him then. I didn't know it at the time, but even though I said I loved him, what I really loved was the idea of him. I loved him as a child of the world, as a boy I knew would profoundly impact my life, as the person I would call my son. I couldn't love him as I love him now because that day at the embassy, he was almost as much of a stranger to me as the woman behind the counter was.



Three years later and I didn't know I could love someone so much. If only he weren't a three year old gaining his independence, I could hug and cuddle him all day long. He is hilarious and makes me belly laugh at least once a day. He asks me all the time if I am happy or sad or tired. He offers to help everyone around him. He is a good listener and incredible at following directions. He has a drive for success that I want to learn from. For better or worse, I see myself in him every day - his competitiveness, his shyness, his orderliness, his desire to solve problems and figure out the puzzles of life, and his passion. Whether it is a good thing or not, Marcus is one of my best friends. Three years ago he was just coming into my life and I loved him for that. I get my fanfare of fireworks and trumpets each day that God has given me a chance to get to know and let my love grow for Marcus.

Three Years Ago


Me and Marcus 2 Weeks Ago