25 Things

The latest additions to our list of "Things I Never Said Until I Had Kids":

#1-25
#26-50
#51-75
#76-100
#101-125
#126-150
#151-175


176. I don't think Grammy drives a pimped-out ambulance.
177. I think it's against health code regulations to make popcorn without underwear on.
178. Don't smell the pee on your fingers.
179. That's not relevant to your pooping.
180. Are those chunks from your mouth or from your milk?
181. Stop smelling your pants.
182. I put anise on his fingers and I think he liked the taste.
183. You can't pee together unless both parties agree.
184. I don't think you need to be growling while you poop.
185. You should've closed your face-holes. That was just asking for trouble.
186. We don't play with pretend guys at the table.
187. I don't know if you're supposed to French your Fun Dip.
188. Don't use the drill in your ear.
189. Cowboys do not swing snakes.
190. Do not take pictures of me peeing.
191. I hope that eggplant is not on my TV.
192. Stop giggling and put your pants on.
193. That's quite a greeting: to be met by a lion with two pieces of poop.
194. I didn't say she was a monkey. I said she was SHAVING a monkey.
195. The next time you smell some one's butt, you're going to timeout.
196. We might need to glue your balls down again.
197. Green peppers usually don't have faces.
198. Maybe someday you'll get to be a guy on a shirt.
199. Nobody wants to play with a sad loser... and I mean that affectionately.
200. You don't need to touch the naked lady.

25 Things

And here it is again, the next 25 things we never said until we had kids. To check out the previous lists, follow the links back from here. Greg and I just started a new list of things we never heard someone say until our kids said them. It will probably be a long while before you get to enjoy it, but it is something to look forward to. Until then, enjoy this list of things I never said until I had kids, and I assure you that each and every one of these things made perfect sense when Greg or I said them:

151. You did it! And I didn't even have to turn into a cannibal!
152. You can leave your clothes on when we go outside.
153. It's been a long time since we sniffed butts.
154. Sometimes I wish the Bicycle Chickens would come.
155. Did you know you have glitter on your penis?
156. Your brain looks exactly like a Spider Man chair.
157. That's a crazy way to ride a zebra.
158. If you swing like a monkey, you're going to need to poop like one.
159. This is the most uncomfortable squirrel I've ever ridden.
160. Get your face off the cheese.
161. That's the best head-backing ever.
162. Okay. Let's turn into naked scary monsters.
163. Don't let the dog eat Mrs. Pteranodon.
164. You can't wash your penis with lizards in your hands.
165. Are you pooping and playing drums at the same time?
166. There's no better entrance to a party than being delivered by scavenger birds.
167. Don't drink that! Your butt was in there!
168. You're the saddest boy I've ever seen holding lizards.
169. Do not stick baby Steelers in the faucet.
170. The table or your mouth: those are the only places a banana goes.
171. You got scratched by a waffle?
172. Soccer is not a snack food.
173. I wouldn't have to tickle you if you didn't pee on your butt.
174. That's not a bug; it's a sheep with a bug on its head.
175. Ahhh! You're flooding the bathroom with a hot snake!

Things I Never Said Until I had Kids

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you will remember our ever growing list of "Things I Never Said Until I had Kids". You can find all the previous posts by going back to the last one here. And now for the latest 25 Things I (or Greg) Never Said Until I (he) had Kids.

126. He's not mad. He just has a moustache.
127. Do not kiss the bathroom.
128. You tooted soup?
129. Why don't you take your clothes off first and then go hide in the closet?
130. Your spoon is not a moustache.
131. If you pulled it out of your butt, you don't eat it.
132. Would you like it if someone put a cash register in you face?
133. Quit putting garbage between your toes.
134. It is so nice to have this special time together while the kids are pooping.
135. We do not stick choo choos in your brother's butt.
136. He was flinging his bacon at Marcus. He didn't deserve to have it.
137. I don't want to live in a world where I have to be sorry for bubbles.
138. If you don't like it, you can learn to wipe your own butt.
139. You did a good job: you peed all the way up to your nipples.
140. I can't think of a single reason to stand on a sandwich.
141. Please stop dipping your banana in the ranch dressing.
142. It would be really nice if we could just give them some rawhide and they could go off in the corner and chew it for an hour.
143. Please don't french kiss the dog.
144. You can't say "All Done" while you're still peeing.
145. Your toot sensor is much too keen.
146. I'm not going to put applesauce on your shrimp Alfredo.
147. Don't chew on your eye patch.
148. Maybe he was peeing faster than the speed of sound.
149. I love you, Mr. Cheese Mittens.
150. Bye bye, poopies. Have a good trip, poopies.

25 more Things... again

Yet another 25 Things I Never Said Until I Had Kids - a list of phrases that Greg and I have actually muttered in our household since becoming parents. For the previous lists, click here, here, here, and here.

101. What did you think was going to happen when you stuck your face in the dog's butt?
102. Only poopers get M's.
103. I know you've got Santa's kinky balls, but that's no excuse for banging elephants.
104. Santa would never bring yellow presents to a kid who doesn't eat pizza.
105. You stole my jingly booty!
106. It's very important to keep your hands off your brother's ho.
107. We're not dusting Mommy's bras.
108. Get your Hot Pocket off your head.
109. We eat plate food, not butt food.
110. Let me finish loading up this toothbrush and then I'll do the chicken dance.
111. It's dark outside, but there's still poop out there.
112. If you freak out, I'm going to pee on you.
113. That's not a snake, it's just cheese.
114. You could have special animals, too, if you didn't eat them.
115. Pooping is not a competition.
116. Put your underwear on so we can play.
117. I was just playing the bum drum and didn't feel any lumps.
118. I don't think you should be drinking run-off from your brother's head.
119. You are not an authorized participant in this pooping process.
120. Don't talk with your mouth full. Unless you are on fire.
121. Do not drop kick your monkey.
122. That's a maraca, not Barack Obama.
123. Oh my goodness: dripples!
124. You should sing "Happy Birthday" to your Hot Pocket.
125. Close your eyes and think of your big girl with purple hair.

25 More Things

Yep, here it is. Another 25 Things I Never Said Until I Had Kids - a list of phrases that Greg and I have actually muttered in our household since becoming parents. For the previous lists, click here, here, and here.

76. You don't throw frogs at people when they are eating.
77. If you hit Mommy's computer one more time, I'm going to... do something that will make you wish you hadn't.
78. If you hammer your brother again you're in timeout.
79. That's a watermelon, not Daddy.
80. As soon as I locate your hands in these cheese mittens, you're cleaning up the floor.
81. No pooping in the dining room. You are going to need to go to the kitchen to do that.
82. Don't throw turkeys at her while she's cooking.
83. You lost your sandwich because you thought it was an airplane.
84. Do not put fire equipment in your mouth. Unless you work for the circus. Which you don't.
85. Yeah, that looks like a potty but it's actually a gravy boat.
86. I'll have one of my lactating friends come over and shoot him in the face with it.
87. Watch out or you're going to get pee pee on your head.
88. You probably shouldn't blow your nose in a zebra.
89. Dinner is ready as soon as everyone has pants on.
90. My goodness. You smacked your face with a toilet.
91. Mommy will help you in a minute. Right now I am on the phone and holding an egg.
92. Let the poopies out!
93. I was going to say, he didn't even lick mine much today.
94. They have to be hooking up because no woman would voluntarily take a man's monkey to a dog show.
95. Is this better than pooping on a log?
96. Your penis isn't yellow. Your penis is creamy just like the rest of you.
97. Oh my goodness! You guys are a naked-boy choo choo!
98. Did you just fart out of your mouth?
99. If you continue to be mean to your brother you'll be sitting up here with the produce.
100. Must have been a rough poop: it gave you a bloody nose.

25 (even more) Things

To see the rest of the list of this list, go here and here.

Things I Never Said Until I Had Kids:
51. No more flying. It's quiet relaxing time.
52. I think you explored your nipple enough for one evening.
53. Tell your brother you are sorry for running him over with the lawn mower.
54. Quit sticking the screwdriver in your ear.
55. I think that's the first time I have ever seen someone fall into the refrigerator.
56. Use your fork correctly or you're going to be a baboon.
57. You don't really need to chew on that man.
58. Now we have a missing monkey. That's just fantastic.
59. Have you ever seen Mommy stick a bubble blower in her mouth?
60. Wow! Triangle shaped poo! Now that's impressive!
61. No! I don't want a phone-smacker in my lap!
62. Don't put Dora in the dishwasher.
63. Why are your shorts around your knees?
64. If you don't start listening to Mommy right now, I'm not going to let you get your haircut.
65. Don't throw frogs at the TV.
66. [Sorry, I couldn't post this one. Greg said something really bad and I would like to protect his innocence.]
67. Get your food off the wall.
68. Your brother is not a pony.
69. Quit slapping my back fat!
70. Don't stick hammers in Mommy's cleavage.
71. These monkey holes are farther apart than the puppy holes.
72. Get the bacon off your head.
73. If Mommy gets hit by a flying dog she is going to be really mad.
74. You don't take things off the stove even if it is a zebra.
75. Your food does not go into the sky.

25 (more) Things

A few months ago I posted about a list that Greg and I had started: Things I Never Said Until I Had Kids. Welcome to part two of the list. To view that first 25 things, go here.

(More) Things I Never Said Until I Had Kids:
26. Your hair has to look nice for your friends in case they are gay.
27. That's it! You're done with the eyeballs!
28. If you don't use Mommy's legs correctly I'm putting them away!
29. Let's put the blocks away so we can go in your room where it smells better.
30. Don't close your brother in the oven.
31. Have you ever been this fascinated while you pooped?
32. We don't yell at our bananas.
33. You're flying and my face is being ripped off.
34. If you touch the mirror one more time I'm taking your monkey.
35. Just because it's in his ass doesn't mean that he is playing with it.
36. You cannot stand in the toilet.
37. Don't lick the gas pump.
38. Why are you closing the gate with your tongue?
39. I don't think you can hold a car while riding a zebra.
40. There is no point in throwing a tantrum about gravity.
41. Hold on to your penis so your brother doesn't get it.
42. Next time you do something I don't want you to do, I'm going to poke YOU in the boob.
43. You don't get applause until you go pee-pee.
44. Turtles and dinosaur boat captains do not get along.
45. Now that's some good looking poop if I've ever seen some!
46. You're the only person I know who can read and ride a zebra at the same time.
47. Hold on. I have to snap your crotch.
48. You either vacuum with a smile on your face or you don't vacuum at all.
49. No banging, even when your hands are padded.
50. You are really going to cry when I put you in the car and take your coupons.

25 Things

Back when I was in college I started keeping this notebook where I would write down bizarre comments that my friends and I would say. It is filled with such philosophical questions as when my friend Kevin asked, "What if we were all tree?" There are also a few lists in there such as the one, "What to do in Morgantown when really Bored" which includes such ideas as playing Go Fish and locking your keys in your car and calling to fire department to come and get them out for you (in their big red fire truck of course). Since the little notebook still had lots of blank pages in it after graduation, I kept adding quotes and lists to it. This all lead to the most recent list which is ongoing, but I will share it's contents with you now. (A little disclaimer, I didn't say all these things. Greg said some of them too. I refuse to admit who said what.)

Things I Never Said Until I Had Kids
1. Now you have salt in your ear. I bet that feels good.
2. Are you pooping?
3. No throwing, particularly syrup!
4. Don't lick the gate.
5. Don't lick your sleeve.
6. Don't lick the window.
7. Don't lick the dog.
8. I don't think the oven needs licked.
9. Get your finger out of your belly button.
10. You better not do that or I'll snap your tongue in there.
11. Awww... Love Mommy's toes.
12. If there is something coming out of your butt it usually means you are pooping.
13. Are you sorry for throwing Mrs. Butterworth?
14. I forgot to sing the potty song again.
15. We are going to use this when you are a teenager so you have a sleepy penis.
16. Are you pooping in your oven?
17. 409 is not a beverage.
18. I don't care what it is - a cold pack, a bag of salad, or Baby Peyote. One more thing and you're going to time out.
19. Let go so I can smell your butt.
20. Don't lick the butter.
21. Don't lick the salt.
22. Don't pound in the toilet.
23. I guess you are happy as long as you have a wet washcloth.
24. Let's see if there are more holes we can stick our fingers in!
25. We'll have to get your friends out of the dryer.